So, you're going to get murdered.

So you marry your 12th wife in a “celestial sealing ceremony” but it turns out she was already married at the time, but she ran off with you because her husband would not allow her to be a Mormon, so her (ex?) husband hunts you down across four states to Van Buren, Arkansas and murders you.

Luckily, that somehow makes you a martyr. Your death is compared with those of Joseph and Hyrum Smith and many Mormons blamed your death on the state of Arkansas, or its people. Why? Fuck reason, that’s why.

Oh, and you’re Mitt Romney’s great great grandfather. 

Not making this stuff up, people.

So your son murdered you and your entire family for the inheritance money.

I don’t know what to tell you. That’s fucked up.

So your husband has a homemade cannon.

I’m not sure how the fuck he built his own cannon in the first place, but it doesn’t end well.

So I have great friends.

So they just wanted to preserve you forever in a lead coffin because they were rejected by the first man they ever loved and now they need tons of dead bodies of men they have been on dates with in the basement to make them feel like an attractive woman again.

What’s so wrong with that?

So you’re single.

Have your considered online dating?

So your 16 year old daughter has her older boyfriend with borderline personality disorder murder you because you wouldn’t let them live together and now she can get legally emancipated and marry him.

Welcome to the Twilight generation.

So you’re a witch.

And they are assassins waging a jihad against witches in the quasi-muslim religion they made up. Of course they had to kill you.

I don’t know why you were thinking the insane amount of drugs they were doing has anything to do with it.

So you’ve accomplished a lot in your life.